


that sure is a funny trick to play on god

by RowanStar



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Chaotic Dumbass MC, MC breaks the fourth wall a lot, Nonbinary Character, Other, Self-Aware MC, fuck around and find out, it's just the plot but with my MC, listen that's the only thing I really have, we playing a game i like to call
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:00:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27516508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RowanStar/pseuds/RowanStar
Summary: Have you ever read a story thatwasn'ta shitty Quotev reboot where the MC knows the characters?No?Would you like to?~ ~ ~You know the story. You've seen it, made the pacts, watched your own descent to a world that has either saved you or ruined you. You've mourned for them, cheered for them, wished to help and wanted to fight. Now, prepare to see your dreams come to life at the hands of a person who no longer has any fucks to give and will face God and walk backwards into Hell.Willingly.Welcome, readers, to the same story retold. To the same world which we have all fallen prey to.Hi, welcome to Chili's.~ ~ ~AKA my MC is a chaotic fool, they will fight God, and are both entirely prepared and woefully underprepared for life in the Devildom. Featuring vines, a sassy bitch, a giant cat, and all around shenanigans.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 34





	1. What the fuck is up, Kyle

_'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times-'_  
  
No.  
  
 _'It was a bright cold day in April-'_  
  
 **No.**  
  
 _'It was a dark and stormy night-'_  
  
 ** _Fuck. No._** Actually wait, here's the right one.  
  
 _'Help me..._  
 _Please help me. I was locked up by a demon._  
 _You are my only hope, help me get out of here._  
 _"I beg you, you must find me"'_  
  
Yeah, that's it. Feel free to imagine the record scratch and freezeframe, dear reader, as we welcome you to a story you've heard told many times before....  
  
But none quite like this.  
  
~  
  
In all reality, it really was dark and stormy the night that this whole shitshow went down. A very favorable kind of weather if you ask both the author and MC. Leftover dinner was in the fridge for safekeeping, the lights were out, and the faint sound of rain gave a relaxing backdrop to the whole scene. And then there's _them._ They were bunched up into a nest of blankets and pillows, huddled over their phone that glowed dimly in the room. A few murmurs filled the silence, muffled giggles and commentary, punctuated only by the flashes of lightning outside. If you were to take a closer look, you might find some familiar characters on the phone screen.  
  
"Is that- A lucky pull!" And there it is, the cry that breaks the monotony of silence. The figure holds their phone aloft, the screen illuminating their face. "Oh hot fucking _damn,_ these boys really could just take my entire soul and I would let them." Okay then.  
  
They continue talking to themselves, mainly more commentary on the pretty boys. "Can't believe I pulled Wedding Craze out of all of them, this event ate every last voucher I had and decided to bless me on the last chance. Now just to level this bad bitch up and slap on a glowstick!" They cheer quietly. Somewhere else in the room, a cat yowls. "Yes, yes, your highness, I'm sorry. I will try to be more respectful." They gripe as their eyes catch the time on their phone. "Sleep schedule who, Morpheus abandoned me and now I will never rest." They snark quietly, uncaring of the time as they continue to play. That idea is now unfortunately a bit hindered by the constant yawning that overtakes them.  
  
"I mean...I do have the card now, and I can always go back later..." They mumble, slowly laying back and wriggling to get comfortable in their blanket cocoon. "Yeah, I'll do this later. Bye bye boys, your master needs some actual _sleep."_ The storm continues throughout the night, and morning comes with bright rays. The unknown figure lies in bed, beginning to toss and turn. Somehow, this feels familiar...  
  
"Help me..."  
  
They squirm more, their cat's hackles raised as it races out of the room.  
  
"Please help me, I was locked up by a demon. You are my only hope, help me get out of here."  
  
They thrash harder and harder still, the blanket becoming tangles and knocking pillows to the floor.  
  
 _"I beg you, you must find me."_  
  
Their phone falls from the bed with a loud clatter, and as if on cue, they awaken and sit straight up in bed. "...The fuck?" They whisper, wiping tear tracks from their face. "Why would I dream about that?" They question to themselves, slowly pulling themselves from the bed and grabbing their phone. They shake their head, freeze, and then cast a glance around the room. All looks as it should be, but they frown and turn back around to the bedroom anyway. "Better safe than sorry." They mutter to themselves as they pull out a duffel bag and begin to pack it. Clothes, electronics, books, DVDs, CDs, you name it, it probably found its way in there.  
  
They look at the bag, hands on their hips, and then nod. It's mainly merch anyways, things they wouldn't be able to buy or get shipped somewhere.... _else._ They take one last look and then grab another outfit, heading to the bathroom to get ready. Once they're dressed, they head to the kitchen and snag enough snacks to feed an army, shoving them into a purse. "Okay you little bastard, we're going on a road trip!" They call, and there's a muffled meow from somewhere in the house. They sigh and head off in an exaggerated march towards the furry child to corner him like a particularly stupid game of Marco Polo. "Okay, got you, got my stuff. That should be enough, right? I'm so prepared. Look at me when I'm talking to you, child. Am I not smart?" They speak to the cat, who merely gives them a disinterested look.  
  
They roll their eyes, flipping their shades up and down to pass time. "Oh, come on. Don't make me look like a fool, universe! I got shit to do!" They yell, and just as they begin to put the cat down, the world melts around them. They clutch their cat close as they close their eyes, and then the floor drops from under them.


	2. bastards first, please!

Cold floors.

Not the optimal or preferred landing spot, but it's better than broken bones!

The figure hisses quietly as they rub their back, the cat meowing anxiously and rubbing its head against their legs where they're splayed on the floor.

"Oh, my. It seems we've interrupted you in the middle of your travels! My apologies, human!" Comes a voice from somewhere currently above them. They shake their head a bit, peering up into golden eyes. "Oh shit- uh. Hi?" Damn, he really is hotter in person. They have to blink a couple times before they realize they need to start standing up instead of gawking like the useless pansexual they are. "Hello human, and welcome to the Devildom! My apologies about your luggage, we were unaware you were packing!"

Do not laugh. Do not. Do not laugh at the accidental innuendo-

They snort quietly, trying and failing to hide it behind a cough as they feel a glare burn into their skull. "Uh-Yeah, sorry, I was trying to get ready for a trip of sorts. Did....did you need something?" They shove one hand into their pocket, hiding crossed fingers because _damn_ it sure would suck if this wound up being a very vivid hallucination, huh.

"You are going to be an exchange student for our program here!" They nod thoughtfully, brushing off their jeans. "Okay, neat, neat. Listen, I love the enthusiasm, but I'm gonna be honest with you: I didn't hear half of what you said because I was a little busy contemplating the whole 'Devildom' thing. So....who are you, again?" They're not asking to get an answer, to be totally fair about it. They know each and every person here. They just need to hear it to make sure. A black haired man steps up, opening his mouth to answer, and they pantomime a shushing motion. "One second sweetheart, I want to hear it from him." They say without turning away from the ~~ridiculously attractive~~ man in red who has greeted them. They can hear the other man growl, and they wonder a bit belatedly if this will be how they die.

The golden eyed man laughs and they sigh quietly in relief. "Of course! I am Diavolo, Prince of the Devildom!" He smiles, and they grin back warmly. "Alright, cool! Didn't think a demon prince would have such an altruistic goal, but I can deal with it! So, I'm gonna assume this functions like human exchange programs, and I've got a couple of questions for you." Diavolo nods and leans forward as if to hear them better. "On the topic of both whatever classes I'll be taking and lodging, how am I supposed to pay for it? I don't have a copy of my resume on me and I don't know if I'll be able to handle both the classes and a job, depending on the workload." They say seriously. Diavolo's brow furrows and he shakes his head. "What do you mean? Why would you need a job?" They wind up mirroring his confused expression as their cat slinks off to some blond guy off to the side. "I have to pay for school and for housing, don't I?" They ask, just as bewildered as the prince.

"No, you don't need to pay for it. You will be staying with us, and there's no cost for attending the academy." The raven haired man from before steps in with a frown. It looks like it's his neutral expression, honestly. Diavolo laughs at the interruption, and the human looks between them carefully. "Ah, Lucifer! Perfect timing for introductions, don't you think?" The prince says, and turns back to the figure. "Human, this is Lucifer, the Avatar of Pride. He is my right-hand man, and more than that, my best friend." Lucifer doesn't seem too happy with this, and rests his forehead in his hands. The human just nods and looks vaguely unimpressed. "You will stay in the House of Lamentation with my brothers and me." Lucifer says, and with that, a shorter demon with strawberry blonde hair comes bounding up like an excited puppy. "Aren't you glad to introduce a brother as cute as me?" He purrs, eyes half-lidded. "Yes, this one is Asmodeus, the Avatar of Lust." Asmodeus pouts and crosses his arms. "An adorable little brother like me, and you introduce me as 'this one'? How rude!" He whines before turning to the human.

"Well well well, aren't _you_ quite the tall drink of water?" He flirts. "Why, I bet you're nearly as tall as Lord Diavolo himself. But it's _so_ hard to see your lovely face from down here, could you lean down a bit for me?" The human, knowing damn well what kind of chaos this will inevitably cause, laughs. "Oh, doll please, I bet I'm at least as tall as he is, if not taller." They purr back, leaning down to meet Asmodeus' eyes as they hear Lucifer growl again. When nothing happens, he pouts and the human just chuckles. "Avatar of Lust, huh? Well I think we're gonna get along like bandits. It sounds familiar, though..." They murmur, ignoring the looks they're getting for not falling prey to Asmodeus' charms. "Oh wait! Binsfeld classifications, right?" They suddenly say, and everyone turns to look at them. Lucifer and the blonde look particularly interested, and they're just gonna pretend they don't know anyone yet again because that's clearly smart. "What classification?" Lucifer asks, and they look a bit sheepish as they answer.  
  
"Binsfeld's classification of demons, commonly referred to as the seven demon princes of Hell. If you're Lucifer and you represent Pride, and Asmodeus represents Lust, let's see....So there's Mammon for Greed, Leviathan for Envy, Beelzebub for Gluttony, Satan for Wrath, and Belphegor for Sloth. This is assuming I got the list right, of course, so I could be wrong." They rub the back of their neck, with everyone looking shocked. They have never been more thankful for Solmare basing them off of that classification or they'd have to lie their way around knowing who each demon was, and they fucking suck at lying, let me tell you.

Lucifer looks like he's about to rip their head right off and use their skull as a punch bowl, so Diavolo steps in. "You're correct, good job! Is that common human knowledge?" He asks, though his eyes keep darting to where Lucifer sits like a sulky child. But like, one with a knife. Who can actually kill you.

"Well, yes, kind of. Some of the names are common knowledge, but only people interested in demonology and stuff would know the exact order and sins, y'know? I just kinda had a thing for anything spooky as a kid, I guess." From where the brothers sit, Lucifer glowers at them. "You would do well to never mention this knowledge to anyone, especially about _Sloth."_ He hisses, and they shrug. "I mean yeah sure, but I'd also do well to mind my own business and I'm too much of a dumb bitch for that, so. Good luck with that, hot stuff."

Diavolo, blessing that he is, steps in once again, his eyes alight with the kind of mirth that means trouble. Perfect. "Alright! Since there's no need for introductions, let's get right to it! As Lucifer said, you'll be staying in the House of Lamentation with the brothers, but I'm afraid they aren't princes as you said." The human just laughs and nods, waiting for him to continue. "We've taken the liberty of getting you a D.D.D and giving you our contact information in case of an emergency, and Lucifer should be able to handle any concerns you might have about your uniform or rooming!" He says as he hands over the device, and they clap excitedly. "Ooh, neat! One last question, though. Would I be able to bring my stuff from my human house down to my room somehow? I don't care much about the furniture or layout, but I have a lot of things still up there that are very important to me." They explain, fully prepared to riot for their Hot Topic merch. That shit is expensive.

"Of course you can! Lucifer can do that too!" Diavolo says cheerily, and like that, the tense atmosphere seems to dissipate as Lucifer brings over a clipboard with some papers on it. "Alright then, Rhiannon-"  
  
"It's Mesperyian." They interrupt. They worked hard for that name change, thank you. Lucifer glares at them, but moves to mark out the name on the form. "Am I to assume the surname and pronouns are incorrect as well, then?" He asks, and they have a moment of relief that this isn't like the human world at all. "As long as it says Salix as my surname and 'they/them' for pronouns, then it's fine." They say, waving a hand. "And you can just call me Ria. I know it's a mouthful. Also please tell your brother to relinquish Binx or else I will have to duel him." Lucifer, already tired of them, sighs and faces his brother. "Satan, let the cat go. It needs to be returned to the human world." At this, Ria turns around to stare at him. "Hold on a minute there. I can't send him back!" They protest, picking up the Maine Coon, who promptly winds around their shoulders. "And why not?" The eldest brother glares back, and Ria has to fight not to make a very childish face. "I live alone and don't have anyone close by to take care of him while I'm gone. I'm already going to lose my job and probably my house down here, if I can't keep Binx then I'm not going to do it." They say firmly.

"Perhaps it is best that we allow them to keep their pet. It may help them adjust to life in the Devildom, Lucifer." The demon in question looks more and more like he's going to either jump out the window or just slam his face into his clipboard at the prince's words. "Fine. The cat stays, you'll receive your human items sometime this week. Now about your uniform-" He starts, and wouldn't you know it that Ria still cannot keep their mouth shut.  
  
At this point it's just going to be a running joke.

"I don't care much about the shirt or whatever as long as I don't have to wear long-sleeves all the time, but I won't wear a skirt. Shorts would absolutely be preferable!" They chirp, much to Lucifer's displeasure. _"Fine."_ He grits out, writing a few more notes down and handing them an ID card. "On your D.D.D should be Mammon's number. He'll be your guardian while you stay here, so call him." Ria, who very much does not appreciate being ordered around, dials Asmodeus' number instead. Asmodeus picks up immediately, and Ria has to suppress a very inappropriate snicker. "Well hello, human!" He says sweetly, and they stare Lucifer right in the eye as they answer. "Hey cutie, your brother is a bit much, isn't he?" They chuckle, and hear Satan snicker as well. "If you think that's bad darling, wait until you see how he handles Mammon!" Ria makes an exaggerated grimace and turns to wave their fingers at Asmodeus before hanging up and actually calling Mammon this time.

As they do, Lucifer's scowl just grows darker and darker. "Funny, I thought Satan was Wrath..." They murmur, and have to choke back a laugh as Lucifer growls like a revved chainsaw. Mammon finally picks up the phone, and Ria holds a hand up as if that will stop a demon. "Sup." They say casually, and Mammon's confusion is almost tangible through the phone. "Huh? Who are you?!" He yells, and Ria schools their expression specifically for this purpose. "Just some person who had nothing better to do than to mess with you." They say, pulling a line from some comedian they remember that surprisingly wasn't John Mulaney.

"Wha- Stop buggin' me, then! Why'd ya even try that?" He snaps, and Ria can't help but laugh this time. "Congrats, Lucifer made you my babysitter because I absolutely need one. Come pick me up!" They cackle, and Mammon just starts his usual protest of not being scared of Lucifer and all that. Lucifer takes the phone and counts down, and suddenly the call is over and Mammon is on his way.

"Well, now that all that is out of the way, who's hungry?" Ria asks as if they haven't driven two demons nearly up a wall and caused enough chaos to make lesser men cry. Beelzebub, looking more and more like a sad puppy, raises his hand. "Do you have food? Can I have some?" He asks, looking at them eagerly. Ria smiles and pulls out some of the snacks they shoved into their bag, picking one for themselves and sliding the rest to him. "Here, go ahead. I've got some more too if you want them afterwards." They says sweetly, and the room moves into quiet peace, save the sounds of chewing. Until Mammon busts the door open.

"Oi! I dunno who you think you are, but I'm not gonna tolerate that kinda thing, okay? 'Specially not from a weak little human like you!" He snaps, and Ria, like the absolute goblin they are, stands up with a grin, towering over the demon. They're supposed to be intimidated by these guys? Mammon barely hits their chin!

He has to crane his neck up to look at them, and Ria sees him gulp as he realizes just how tall they are compared to him. "J-Just because you think you're tall doesn't mean I won't hesitate to kill you if you get annoying! Yeah! You don't scare me, ya know!" Ria stifles a snicker behind their hand and just watches him get flustered for no reason. Lucifer seems to have much less patience, though, and he glowers. "Mammon, shut up or I'll punch you." Right as he says that, Mammon yelps and is promptly punched, clutching his nose with wide eyes. "Hey! Aren't you supposed to give me some time to shut up first?" He protests. Ria frowns and steps to his side, gently reaching out to him. "The hell are you doing, human?" He snaps, albeit quietly, and Ria raises their hands. "Easy, tiger. Just was trying to make sure he didn't break your nose or anything." Mammon stutters, settling on what might've been a glare if they didn't know better. "I'm not some weak thing like you!" He yells, and Ria rolls their eyes.

"Human, demon, fucking centipede for all I care. Where I'm from, we don't hit people we're supposed to be close to." They say, giving Lucifer a pointed look. Both demons scowl at them, one less heated than the other, and Ria just steps away quietly. "Alright, you're fine, I get it. Now I think, if Chicken Wing over here has given us the right instructions, you're supposed to take me to the home of depression?" They say, tilting their head. "It's the House of Lamentation, human." They hear, and Ria shrugs. "Same difference, really. Now are we leaving or what?" They say with a grin, and like that, they're on their way to their new home for a year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> creating a character with a greek deity-styled name -> :)  
> realizing that any last name is now shit in comparison -> :(

**Author's Note:**

> I am aware this is short.  
> This is just the prologue and I'm used to short stories, so please bear with me  
> This might get better, it might get worse. We'll find out!


End file.
